Do Therapists Tell Clients What to Do? Understanding Influence, Advice, and Ethical Therapy
Therapists don't give advice... or do they?
Learn why therapy influences people, why that influence is different from making decisions for clients, and where ethical boundaries matter most.
“If therapists aren't telling clients what to do, why does this concern continue to surface?“
Therapists don’t give advice. This is a common phrase you’ll hear in the mental health profession to reiterate the role of a therapist in a client’s journey. We learn early in our career that making decisions for someone fosters dependence but the desired goal is to encourage autonomy and trust in their own ability to make decisions. Yet, in a recent Wall Street Journal article, "Are Therapists to Blame for the Rise of Adults Cutting Off Their Parents?" (July 2026), questions if therapists may be contributing to the rising numbers of adult children who become estranged from their parents. The article cites a survey conducted by Peter Anderson, LMFT, in Massachusetts who polls parents and finds that one-third of about 7,000 estranged parents believed their child’s therapist influenced the decision to end the relationship.
Parental estrangement is not the only area where therapist influence is being discussed. William Doherty, a well-known marriage and family therapist says, "Two dangers now face married people who seek therapy... The second is therapists... whose individualistic value orientation leads them to undermine marital commitment when the marriage causes distress for an individual" (Doherty, 2002). He cautions couples and counselors alike to consider the influence a third party can have on a life-changing decision.
If therapists aren't telling clients what to do, why does this concern continue to surface? I think the answer is a bit more nuanced than just the therapists are in the fault.
Influence Is Inevitable
Any relationship in our lives has the potential to influence us, and the therapeutic relationship is no exception. Influence is not inherently good or bad; in fact, if people come to therapy seeking change, some degree of influence is inevitable. Therapists intentionally seek to influence growth in areas such as insight, emotional awareness, coping skills, and behavior. The difference is that ethical therapy keeps the client in the driver's seat. Rather than telling clients where to go, therapists help them explore the road ahead.
For example, a client may say they don't know whether to continue investing in their relationship with a parent. Instead of telling the client what to do, the therapist might ask, "What would need to change for this relationship to feel healthy enough to continue?" The therapist hasn't suggested staying or leaving. They have simply encouraged the client to consider information they may not have explored before. That question influences the client's thinking, but the conclusion remains the client's to reach.
“…The people in their lives may reduce those new boundaries to "therapy made them do it,…’"
Perception Shapes Memory
Sometimes clients genuinely perceive that their therapist gave them direct instructions for solving a problem. Countless times, I've had clients return to session saying, "I did what you told me to do," or, "My previous therapist told me to do XYZ." It may simply be shorthand for, "Therapy helped me reach this decision," or it may reflect how they remember the conversation. An ethically minded therapist will often recognize this language because protecting client autonomy is a fundamental part of ethical practice. Clients, however, are not always aware of the distinction between advice and a therapeutic process that helped them arrive at their own conclusion.
My memory of the session may be that we explored the issue from multiple perspectives, considered the client's values, weighed potential outcomes, and ultimately the client reached their own decision. The client's memory, however, may be that I told them which choice was best. Neither perspective is necessarily dishonest. The way we remember conversations is often shaped more by the conclusion we reached than by the exact words that were spoken. Over time, "We spent several sessions working through this decision together" can become, "My therapist told me this was the right thing to do."
New Awareness Leads to New Decisions
New awareness tends to come out in therapy. As a therapist, I work to challenge assumptions, provide a nonjudgmental space to honestly explore situations, and improve self-esteem. This means my clients often leave sessions with new insights and new words for experiences they've had for years. Sometimes that means recognizing how low self-esteem has kept them from reaching their goals. Other times, it means realizing that emotional abuse doesn't have to be minimized simply because it's always been there.
It is normal for people to look at their relationships through a fresh perspective and come to new conclusions about the role those relationships play in their lives after going to therapy. Those conclusions may seem sudden to others, but they are often the result of weeks or months of reflection rather than a therapist telling someone what to do. Yet, the people in their lives may reduce those new boundaries to "therapy made them do it," rather than recognizing them as part of that person's growth and changing understanding of themselves.
Validation Isn't Agreement
Agreement and validation can feel very similar. However, while agreement means aligning with someone's perspective or conclusion, validation is about making sure a person feels heard and understood. Validation communicates that a person's emotions make sense, not that every interpretation or conclusion is correct. For example, a client might say, "I'm convinced my dog hates me." I might respond, "It sounds like you're really hurt because it feels like your dog is rejecting you." That is very different from agreeing that the dog actually hates them. The therapist is validating the client's emotional experience, not confirming the accuracy of the belief. Even so, clients can understandably experience validation as agreement when the distinction isn't obvious.
Therapy isn't a court of law. The therapist isn't a detective, judge, or jury deciding who is right and who is wrong. We are typically hearing one person's perspective, which makes curiosity essential. Good therapists continually ask questions, consider alternative explanations, and remain aware that every story has more than one perspective. But even this comes with issues.
A therapist learns over time that validation is a powerful tool, and like any powerful tool, it must be used thoughtfully. Overvalidating, failing to challenge assumptions, or unintentionally reinforcing conclusions can all influence the therapeutic process. The goal is to support the client's exploration, not replace it with the therapist's own perspective.
“Recognizing the possibility of therapist bias isn't an attack on the profession; it's part of practicing responsibly”
The Culture We Practice In
Modern culture has increasingly emphasized individual well-being over the collective and personal fulfillment over family obligation. Once discussed primarily in therapy, concepts like boundaries, toxicity, narcissism, gaslighting, and "protecting your peace" have become regular topics on social media, where they are often presented in black-and-white terms. But with community comes inconvenience, and you cannot expect a village to show up for you if you are unwilling to show up for it in return.
Balancing the needs of ourselves with the needs of the systems we belong to is a consistently difficult juggle. Therapy can be a great place to explore that balance, but therapists are not immune to the cultural shifts happening around them. Just like anyone else, we can be influenced by a zeitgeist that sometimes oversimplifies relationships into "healthy" and "unhealthy", or views cutoff as the primary solution rather than one of many possible outcomes. This doesn’t mean that therapists are telling clients to cut people out of their lives, but that both client and therapists are navigating a shifting culture that emphasizes individual well-being.
When Therapists Get It Wrong
When considering why people may blame therapy for the decisions clients make, I place this reason last. Maybe it's my hopeful nature, but I'd like to believe this is the least common explanation. Regardless, therapists are human. Burnout, carelessness, lack of supervision or training, inexperience, overidentification, countertransference…the list goes on. The ethical guardrails designed to protect clients begin to fall away, allowing bias and poor clinical practice to shape the therapist's responses.
I would be remiss not to acknowledge that as much as therapists can have influence, therapists can also have bias. Sometimes it isn't simply perspective or language shaping the conversation. Sometimes therapists do cross ethical boundaries by giving direct advice, imposing their own values, or encouraging decisions that should remain the client's to make. Those situations deserve accountability and should not be dismissed. Recognizing the possibility of therapist bias isn't an attack on the profession; it's part of practicing responsibly. Ethical therapists should regularly reflect on their own biases, seek consultation when needed, and remain committed to protecting the client's right to make their own decisions.
So maybe a better question isn’t whether therapists influence their clients. The better question is whether that influence helps clients maintain their independence or if they become dependent on the therapist’s judgement.
Doherty, W. J. (2002). How Therapists Harm Marriages and What We Can Do About It. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 1(1), 1–13.
American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. (2015). AAMFT Code of Ethics.
American Psychological Association. (2017). Ethical Principles of Psychologists and Code of Conduct.
Rubenstein, G., & Dougherty, C. (2026, July). Are Therapists to Blame for the Rise of Adults Cutting Off Their Parents? The Wall Street Journal.
